The will to do

I believe in my heart that no story has explained it better than the one which Ravi Zacharias has told to numerous people and written in his book. I take the following excerpt from his book: 'I, Issac, take thee Rebekah' (parenthesis mine):

"The story dates back to the late 1960s. At that time, he (Ravi's older brother) was a system engineer with IBM. Since that time, he has gone on to do several very impressive things in the world of computer software. In other words, he is mentally all right. He doesn't have any major problem as far as his IQ is concerned. I say that because you may begin to wonder as I tell his story.  

When he was in his mid-twenties, my brother came to my father and said, "You know, dad, I've always maintained even when we were in India that I'm only going to marry the girl you choose for me. I guess I am ready now. Would you please begin a search for a girl for me to marry?" 

I really didn't believe he'd go through with it. We were living in Toronto, thousands of miles and a cultural planet away from the land of our birth. But this was his choice. He wanted my parents to help in "The Search". My father and mother said, "Fine. Tell us the kind of young woman you're looking for." My brother gave his 'ideal partner' speech and proceeded to describe the kind of person he would choose to marry.  

Under normal circumstances, the parents would travel around and look for somebody that met the criteria, but in this instance, my brother said to our father, "Look, you really don't need to do that. Why don't you just write to your sister in Bombay and let her do the groundwork? We'll just correspond back and forth and take it from there." 

Thus began his quest and what I called our family entertainment hour every night around the table. MY father wrote to his sister, and in response came numerous letters with suggestions, photographs, and information sheets ad nauseam. Oh! The jokes that would fly! The unsolicited advice from every member of the family was profuse. The sarcasm, wondering whether this poor woman had the faintest clue of his shortcomings! (From my experience with photographs I have learned that if you find a good photographer and pay him enough, he can make anybody look splendid...) 

Pictures can tell an awful lot that's really not there. The camera can and does lie. But my brother would sit in his bed at night and look over all those pictures, study the lists of accomplishments and qualifications, and say, "what do you think of this one, Ravi? Isn't she lovely? Look at the description. She's even the church organist." I could not resist pointing out how important a feature that was for a successful marriage. 

He narrowed the 'applicants' to a short list and, finally focusing on one person, began to correspond with her. Then they advanced to telephone conversations, but not many because that was 'too expensive'. One could tell that reality was closing in. Finally, believe it or not, they both felt this was it. The dates for the engagement and the marriage were set with these two never having met.  

My brother and my father flew from Toronto to Bombay. More than one thousand wedding invitations wer sent before my brother and his bride-to-be had ever seen each other. Two days after his arrival was the engagement ate and a day or so later was the wedding date. He would then bring his bride back to Canada, all within a week, and they would live 'happily ever after'. That, at any rate, was the plan.  

I thought to myself, Oh my! You know, this is faith. Maybe it is even less than that. This is credulity! I began to get really concerned, so before my brother left for Bombay, I mustered up the courage to caution him. I said, 'I don't want to challenge anything you're doing, but I do have a brief question. What are you going to do when you arrive in Bombay, come down the Jetway and see a young woman standing there with a garland in her hand, and say to yourself, Good Grief! I hope that's not her. I hope that's somebody else! Or she looks at you and thinks to herself, I hope that's not him. I hope that's his brother! What on earth will you do? Are you going to take her aside, talk it over, and then make an announcement saying, 'We have met... we will not be proceeding with our plans?' Will you get on the telephone or write letters to everybody and say, 'Folks, we've met. The wedding is off.' 

My brother just stared at me. He said, 'Are you through?' I told him that for the moment I was just waiting for his answer. Then he said something that was absolutely defining for him: 'Write this down, and don't ever forget it: Love is as much as question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can.' - Excerpt taken from "I, Issac, take thee Rebekah" by Ravi Zacharias

I had a slight skirmish with someone over Joshua Harris, one of the most misunderstood writers on relationships, being criticised for his unrealistic takes on relationships and on flawed theology on relationship which has caused hundreds of people to stumble. Considering Josh Harris wrote his first book when he was pretty young (could be serving NS if he's a Singaporean), the contents of 'I kissed dating goodbye' are actually quite matured and deep for a 21 years old. How many people of that age would dare to stand up and tell the world to uphold a higher view on relationship as opposed to the social norms of his society, to the point of being ridiculed publicly on TV (being interviewed on the same show with Ben Afleck).

But one key message that he was trying to drive across to his reader is consistent with Ravi Zacharias - love is as much as a question of the will as it is of the emotion. The bible also instructs us not to awaken love till it desires so. I think a lot of people misunderstood. This is not a call for people to stay off relationships but a call for people to take relationship with one another seriously. Josh Harris addressed a context in which instant gratification through frivolous relationships was the call of the day. The relationship between boys and girls (more commonly known as BGR) is more revered compared to our relationship with God. The question for us in all these is thus, "can we wait?" For guys especially, can we will to think with our head instead with our 'the other little head'? Ravi would even go further to ask how are we treating the temple of God?

I have never been through a serious relationship with a girl. I am a bad relationship counsellor, if you ask me. Strictly speaking, my idea on how a relationship should look like is more similar to Joshua Harris (partly because his books were the first Christian books I read on relationship). But the more important thing I want to ask myself is this, "am I honoring God in the way I handle relationship?" The theology of all the decent Christian books on relationship in the market is clear (be it Josh Harris, Ravi Zacharias, Henry Cloud, Eric and Leslie Ludy etc) - God comes first in the relationship, the rest can wait. I deem it dumb for the average reader not to recognise this thread as they read the books. To put it very judgmentally, it's really like throwing pearls to feed pigs.

Let me make this clear, living in a society at the crossroad between the east and west, this is absolutely obvious and I know what I am talking about. We are a people that live in a society undergirded by eastern values but constantly being influenced existentially by western culture (hollywood in particular). It was not prevalent during my school days but it was already evident then that the young students back in school have no idea how to go about relating in a relationship. I was at a point when I was thinking of asking a girl (who is not a Christian) for a 'steady relationship' when I first read 'I kissed dating goodbye'. For a period of 4-5 years, I tried to practice what Josh Harris did in his own experience (only to realise how onerous and difficult they are). But following his advice to maximise my singlehood to serve God was perhaps the best decision I made in my uni days. I was free to do what I wanted to do - serve the Lord in His church. I was free from the concerns of a BGR. This allowed me to concentrate on building my own biblical foundation, which showed itself during my working life.

I am not to say that I am immune to what Chinese would call '儿女私情', or translated simply as 'affairs of the heart'. As I mentioned, I was interested in a non-Christian girl before. Over the past two to three years, I must admit that the issue of marriage does touch me like a heap of burning coals - reality struck hard that there are people around who will make my heart flutter, even outside of church.

But being able to will myself and to master my own emotions, I could prevent myself from prematurely ending up in a state of relationship that is not beneficial and constructive, although I must say I am not perfect in handling such issues. For a start, I am good in keeping my singlehood, I am not good when another woman is involved.

Yet, I know in all my relationships, God has to be at the center of it all. And in all the books that I have read, the sermons that I have listened to so far, none has contradicted this understanding. Josh Harris is not there to promote a wrong theology on relationship. As certain deconstructionists would claim, it is the readers who will take control of the content and interpret it the way they wanted and it will still be the 'truth'. In that respect, I would say that the Christians reading and misinterpreting Josh Harris have become in fact the 'postmodernists', taking his words and interpreting them as they like to fit their own purpose (or bashing). Likewise for other authors as well.

Can we will to love? Can we will to wait? Not for the perfect one, but on the Perfect One. Can we will to wait?