The question is not merely ironic. If what you're after is a marriage that will glorify God and produce real joy for you and your bride, it's also the wrong question. That's because the unstated goal of the question is "How do I know if she's the one ... for me."
The question frames the entire decision-making process in fundamentally self-oriented — if not downright selfish — terms. And it puts the woman on an extended trial to determine whether or not she meets your needs, fits withyour personality and satisfies your desires. It places you at the center of the process, in the role of a window-shopper or consumer at a buffet. In this scenario you remain unexamined, unquestioned and unassailable — sovereign in your tastes and preferences and judgments.
The problem of course is that as a single Christian man, not only are you going to marry a sinner, but you are a sinner as well. - Michael Lawrence, http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm
I think this quotation sort of sums up how we guys sometimes shop around for girls, without any regard on how we, as the guys, come into the scene. Sometimes, maybe too much considerations really kill the soup.
Wow. This is something that I've subscribed to for a very long time. Perhaps it's because we've spiritualized the romantic aspect of marriage.
ReplyDeleteAs one bro told me before, "Sisters are not handphone models." :)
But thinking further. It's a thin line, this guy's stand. While I agree that the desire to honour God is there... I think it's still the right kind of question...
I think the flaw lies in the guy assuming that the unstated goal of the question is that to ask this question is to think only in terms of "How do I know if she's the one ... for me."
Because there's other intentions that could be much better. Such as "Who would You like me to marry, and how can I use the specific strengths You gave me to serve my future wife? Etc... so that we can serve You together?"
It may not be the "best" kind of question, but I think the intention behind it is not selfish, but sincere.
(BTW Deuteronomy 24:5 does say that a newly-wed husband is to stay at home and bring happiness to his wife.)
Perhaps a better way to frame this is to consider how our marriage can extend the kingdom of God further, and how we can help one another fulfill God's calling.
The right kind of questions, but in some sense, we ended up treating the sisters as commodities even when we don't mean to do so. I have always told my guys that it is not about us going to the supermarket to buy groceries.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do believe that at some point, the questions are selfish and sincere concurrently. As fallen beings, I think at some point, we ask ourselves what we stand to gain and what we want in the relationship. Hence we look for things which we want. This happens perhaps more frequently when we are not looking at the right thing.
I was reflecting on something I heard in one sermon from Andy Stanley. He said that when we prepare ourselves to be better husbands/wives, when we focus on training to be godly, we will begin to look for our future life partners who are compatible with us because by training our godliness, it becomes a filter for us to narrow our options.
And asking 'who would You like me to marry' is perhaps a wrong question by itself. It still focuses on ourselves instead of God.