The reflecting theologian

England football jokes LONDON - ENGLAND'S humiliating World Cup exit has unleashed a barrage of jokes on the Internet, where the team's highly-paid stars as well as coach Fabio Capello are fun targets. Here are five of the best: - Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said England's performance on Saturday was completely appalling. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years. - Q: What's the difference between England goalkeeper Rob Green's spill and BP's spill? A: Robert Green has got a cap for his. - Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, 'Can you manage dear?' To which the old lady replied: 'No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out.' - Illusionist David Blaine i...

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’ Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’ ’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires. Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers. Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Cage, "I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I’ll play him." "I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I’d like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says........ "I’ll be Bach."

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron. "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists. "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter. "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater. "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray. "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush. "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old. "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm. "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison...

Filling a church with people means nothing if lives are not transformed. In most businesses, success is measured in numbers: amount of profit, number of customers, volume of sales, percent increase in revenue, etc. In the church, it can be easy to slip into the mindset of measuring success by numbers: number of members, amount of donations received, total square footage of the church building, number of regular attenders, etc. However, God desires that His people adopt a different definition of success. In the church, success should be measured by transformed lives--not big membership, big budgets, or big buildings. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being a big church; however, a big church doesn't necessarily mean a successful church. That's because filling a church with people means nothing if lives are not transformed. Transformed lives are lives that are on fire for God. In Revelation 3:16, God is talking about that spiritual fervor and fire: "I know your d...

I saw the Lord seated on His throne, He was clothed in glory and exalted hi - gh and the train of His robe filled the temple, the angels circled around Him and cr - ied Chorus: You are holy, oh so holy, You are holy Lord of all Verse 2: Woe is me, for I'm unclean, for my eyes have seen the Holy King, and He cleansed my lips before I died and the pillars shook as the angels cried Lev 19:2 - "Speak to the entire assembly of Israel and say to them: 'Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy. Eph 5:3 - But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. God is holy...

Watch your mouth A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, - "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, - "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.